Jack Handey Quotes That Will Jump-Start Your Ecommerce Sales

ecommerce sales

Did you ever see Deep Thoughts on “Saturday Night Live”?

It was a series of mock-inspirational and satirical one-liners written (and read aloud) by comedy writer, Jack Handey.

His Deep Thoughts were so effective, not just because they were hilarious — but also because they seemed to poke fun at the seriousness of life.

In one of his Deep Thoughts, Jack quipped (in his deadpan voice):

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Within that quote lies a very important message: Making money requires way more than just sitting there and wanting it to happen.

But, how do you make it happen?

Keep reading for more Deep Thoughts and find out how you can jump-start your ecommerce sales!

Deep Thought #1

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

As funny as this would be to see in action, it would actually be extremely impractical because of how long this process would take.

And with your business, you want to avoid processes that take even more time for your customers to make a purchase.

Why is this so important?

Because inefficient shopping experiences can result in page and online shopping cart abandonment — things that will result in you losing ecommerce sales.

In fact, 25% of online shoppers abandon their online shopping cart when the checkout process is too long or complicated.

“Check out” the difference between a lengthy and over-complicated checkout vs. a simple one:

The checkout process on the right looks a lot more appealing, right?

So what can you do to keep your customers’ shopping experience a positive one?

  • Make sure your website is mobile-friendly. 88% of mobile users have had negative experiences while shopping on their smartphone. (If you sell on an online marketplace, they will handle this for you.)

If your website is difficult to navigate and features tiny product photos/descriptions, this could lead to potential customers leaving your site.

  • Don’t force customers to become a member or login to give you their money. Sure you need some information from your customers, like their name, email, and shipping address — but that’s about it.

If you ask someone to become a member (and fill out tons of information fields) in order to make a simple decision (spending money on your goods/services), it creates friction.

The less friction there is between a customer and their purchase, the higher your chances are at making a sale.

Allow visitors to “Continue as a guest” and keep requested information to a minimum in order to keep friction low.

  • Provide multiple payment options. Your customers will likely want to pay with several different methods. Make sure you accept PayPal (for its ease) as well as most credit/debit cards.

Deep Thought #2

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

Jack was often quite descriptive with his musings, and for the sake of your ecommerce business, you should be too.

When it comes to your products and/or services, don’t go basic — make sure you describe them in an original and engaging way.

Check out how handmade cosmetics company, LUSH, describes their bath products:

As you can see, the copy for their Sakura Bath Bomb is descriptive and appeals to the senses.

You don’t have to get so flowery with your product descriptions (especially if you’re selling something that shouldn’t be described in such a way), but make sure your copy is enticing.

Also, within the descriptions of your products, make sure to use some common keywords to ensure that customers can easily find what they are looking for.

Final Deep Thoughts

Jack once said:

 If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

The message here: Don’t give up.

Some methods will work and some won’t, but if your goal is to increase your ecommerce sales and grow your business, keep trying new things, and improve upon the things that do work.

Most importantly, keep your customers’ experience at the forefront of your mind.

Can you think of any other ways to jump-start your ecommerce sales? 

About the Author

Greg Kummer

Greg Kummer is a dog-loving, video game-streaming, freelance writer. He's also the founder of Last Light Copywriting, a freelance copywriting service that helps companies build their brand, get more leads, and boost sales with compelling and effective content.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *